A Letter to Abang

Dear Abang,

First and foremost, I would like to congratulate you upon the many nominations that you have received to be the next best man. I am proud of you. You have proven to a particular servant that he is no contest to you. Now that you will take over Uncle Doul’s fame, I’d like to propose that your fame to be put into good use.

To begin with, I’d like you to take this few morons and submit their names for National Service. You see, they are still bugging me every morning with the cab issue, and especially yesterday, when the train is incapable of handling too many slim and cute commuters like me. Perhaps you can send them to Cahaya Gemilang camp in Cherating. My sister told me that it’s a good place to get a stripped tan. Furthermore, there hasn’t been any death case reported at the camp. Therefore, it is essential to send the morons there so that history can be made.

Abang, I would also be very appreciative if you could also reward Datukship to this one guy I met in the train. Yes, I was very attracted to him. In fact,, he spoke right into my ear the words I long to hear. Oh, you want to know what he said? Well, he said, “S**t. Great. This is just great! Thank you government!” Praise the Lord government, he did. Therefore, I believe he deserves the Datukship as he has recognized the government for providing an astonishing train service yesterday. Well, I don’t mind another jammed commuter door when I get to hear praises like this everyday! Certainly wouldn’t mind that we had to stop at the next station due to the jammed door too! He was such a heartthrob, so much younger and so much more drama than Shah Rukh Khan! Please, please give him the Datukship, okay?

I want to ask for more, but I am reminding myself that I should not make anymore Pepsi advertisement. I have done many advertisements and I am sick of doing another. Therefore, I will stop here and let you settle the issues I have addressed before I can make another Pepsi advertisement.

Oh ya, please pretend that you have NEVER CAME ACROSS this letter as I am worried for my LIFE. I do not want to be used as a target of the meriam buluh your kids use to play during Raya. Neither do I want your orang gaji to be accused of causing my death pushing me down the stairs and breaking a bone or two.

Thank you Abang, for looking into this letter and may you not turn your head the other way like you always do. Because either way, you ARE balding.

Your kiut sayang,
Atreyu Strange

P/S: No, I am NOT complaining.
Post P/S: Tell her I won't whitemail you. I'm too afraid of the meriam buluh I saw at your gate.