Fatalism

Yesterday, I had an argument with someone twice my age about challenges we face in life. I realize now that arguing with her was just a waste of time because in her rebuttal, she often uses words such as fate and Karmasutra, which by the way, is getting on my nerves.

If you're a good friend, you would know by now that I am going through a very difficult phase in life. As we were discussing the problem I have, I was told by her that this is my fate, which I can agree with. But when she said that I cannot fight fate, I beg to disagree.

I admit that I am not a good Hindu nor I follow bhajans religiously like her. Yet, I know that Hinduism does not advocate fatalism as the purest kind. In fatalistic thinking, there is no place for free will. Everything is preordained before birth, and you have little choice other than follow the plan determined by God.


In any battle, there will be a winning and a losing team. If you were in the losing team, and if you were FATED to lose, will you give up hope, let the enemy kill your team members and shoot you in the head? Or will you do everything you could to stay alive and protect the lives of many others?

If according to the person I argued with yesterday, if you were fated to lose, then it may be about you washing off your bad karma. Perhaps, you have done something wrong in your past life and that you are paying for all the sins in this life. Yes, I do believe in karma. What you give, you get back. But little did she realize that if I was fated to lose and yet I kept fighting to protect others, I am indirectly creating a good karma for my next life. I have good intentions. Does it hurt to rebel a little? And even if it is perceived as fighting fate, who are you again to decide?

Fate and Karma, it is all very confusing. It is not only a religious believe, it had turned philosophical. But I want my free will and I will NEVER allow fate to control my life. At the end of the day, I want to make the choice. How it turns out, is then called FATE.


* One fate that everyone will experience is DEATH. So, if you were fated to die tomorrow, will you not fight to survive?
* Good article here.
* I'm moving.

(It's Too Late To) Apologize

It's quite late now. I'm tired. But I have this urge that keep bugging me to update my blog. It's not that I've never blogged at this hour, I've just been sleeping quite early for the past few days.

Oh wait, I need to turn on the mood. Yup, There for Tomorrow doing a cover of Omarion's Ice Box. Say what?! AWESOME-NESS!

Ok, back to what I really wanted to blog about. Last night, I had a dream. Yeahh, I know everyone else dreams. But the dream I had yesterday caught me off guard. When I woke up this morning, I wondered why I dreamt of my grandma who had left us years ago. I felt a slight guilt crawling under my skin, as if I've not thought about her enough in the past month. Yet at the same time, I felt that her presence in my dream is a reminder that she will always be close to me even when she is up there enjoying heaven. And to remind me that no matter what I am facing on earth, she will always be watching over me.

Yeahh, she watched over a lil too much because you were in that dream too! Huhu.

I can't recall the details of the dream, but I know she was there in my dream. I woke up with mixed feelings and that feeling continued until late this evening... and until I found out why she came into my dream!

At the dinner table, I told my aunt about my lil brother's birthday today. She gasp, because she had completely forgotten about it. Then, she admitted that not only she had forgotten my brother's birthday, she also forgotten my grandma's birthday. Say what?! Damn! Now I know why she came into my dream!

To the best grandma in my world, I'm so sorry I have forgotten your birthday which falls on the 20th of April. I am also sorry on behalf of my aunty. Now I know why you came into my dream. You must be so sad that none of us said any prayers for you. Well, I'm sure my other aunty in PJ remembered, but she isn't as important as me, is she? No matter what others (who don't know me or my family well) say, I know that I am your best grandchild and I am the grandchild you loved most. I'm so sorry that I've got so tangled up with my problems that I have forgotten your birthday. But I honestly believe that you not only came to remind me of your birthday, you came to show the love you've always had for me. *Dem this tears*


Happy Birthday Grandma. I know you're doing great up there because in my dream, the soft smile on your face says it all. I wish I could see your smile again.


And to my lil bro, Happy Birthday baby! Haha! I will NEVER stop calling you BABY!

* Some may say I am superstitious about dreams. Explain why I dreamt of her the morning I got that dreadful phone call from my sobbing mum... Yeahh, she communicates through my dream...

Adding Wings to My Writing

Ahaa. Not really. I'm simply in the process of revamping my other writing blog. View to read.


Credits to RoseOnTheGrey for the wings.

I Do The Things I Do

Confusing? Maybe. I'm confused myself.

I've hurt so many people in this world. From my own family member, to my aunt, to boyfriend, to people I don't know. Sometimes I say hurtful things. Sometimes I remain silent. Sometimes I piss them off by doing something against their approval. Sometimes I'm just being ignorant of their feelings. Sometimes I am an idiot.

When I do the things I do, and I don't do the things I should do, I am always being questioned. I have the answers, but would they care to listen? Perhaps. But would they bother to accept it? I doubt it. And that is why I'd prefer to keep things to myself. I care NOT to explain because my actions are questionable no matter what I say.

I am not good with words. To be honest, I suck! At times when I am really sorry, I end up making things worst because I guess, I don't sound sincere enough. I say what I could say. But I would mess it up anyway. Apparently, saying "I'm sorry" is not good enough in these days... You need to explain in great length. I admit, I don't take it easily either. Why? I don't know.. to feel secure, perhaps?

Getting even confused? Me too. Ergh~

* I wish all of you a great week ahead. Stay focused with, whatever you're doing.
* What an empty feeling I have tonight...

Candle light dinner

To whom it may concern,

Thank you for a splendid candle light dinner. It was unexpected and it was indeed very sweet. I love the scenery from up there because it was calming and far from all the hassle of the busy city. At times like this, it felt like a part of my burden where lifted and disappeared into thin air. And no matter what mistake the waiter did, I could still remain calm and smile knowing that you went the extra mile to make me feel better. To make me feel at peace even for awhile.

One of the best dinner I have had. Despite the plain pineapple fried rice. Heh. But it really felt good; because you were there, taking my pain away with just a smile, and a stare into the eye.

YOURS, by no contest.

Babi Hutan

AMARAN: Ini entri penuh kemarahan dan kesedihan.

Babi hutan ni memang dah lama buat hal. Aku bertahan sehingga ke hari ini pun sebab babi hutan ni yang bayar gaji aku tiap bulan. I have no say, ok.

Dari mula aku masuk hutan nih, aku tau aku kena berhati-hati dengan babi hutan ni. Sebabnya, aku dah kena warning dengan pemburu lain yang dah kuar dari hutan nih. Perangai babi ni memang chebi. Arini cakap lain, besok cakap lain. Arini nak perkara A dan mengamuk sebab aku buat perkara B. Besok bila aku dah buat balik perkara A, dia cakap bukan ke lebih baik buat perkara B?? BABI CHEBI!

Bila dia mahukan kuda yang pandai berkira-kira, kami carikan. Tapi bila dia yang buat hal dengan kuda, dia tanya kalau kitorang ada salah cakap dgn kuda. Padahal, kuda itu datang mengadu kat kitorang pasal perangai babi hutan yang memang chebi itu. Ohh, ketika itu memang penuh drama. Lagi baik dari tengok kartun Winnie The Pooh. Kami hanya mampu tergelak sebab babi itu tak sedar bahawa dia yang salah. Bila dah tak dapat nak blame kitorang, dia salahkan kuda itu tak memahami. Bodoh.

Dulu dia kutuk2 monyet. Cakap monyet ni tak reti bwat keje. Reti nak panjat pokok kelapa je. Tapi kelmarin, beliau mintak tolong monyet ini lagi. Haihh, tak tau malu ke babi oi?? Memang kau ni meludah kat langit, kene lobang idung kau sendiri la kan. Pasti monyet ini bergelak ketawa ala2 kejam bila kau mintak tolong dia kan?

Dua minggu ni, aku memang tidak mampu buat perkara lain waktu hujung minggu kerana aku ada masalah yang perlu aku selesaikan. Tiap hari pulang kerja, aku takut untuk tidur keseorangan sebab aku tau aku akan menangis sebelum tidur.

Selama ni bila kau mintak aku submit kerja waktu weekend, aku siapkan jugak. Tak kira kalau ada pari-pari sebelah aku pun, aku masih siapkan dulu. Tak kira kalau ada sang rama-rama yang tunggu aku, aku dahulukan kerja tu. Tapi bila aku menghadapi masalah, kau tahu ke? Kau tu memang pandai tunjuk2 concern dengan muka babi kau tu. Tapi aku tau hati kau busuk. Sebelum ni pun, bila kucing datang mengadu kat kau, kau bagitau satu dunia tentang masalah kucing tu. Bila badak sakit, kau salahkan sakit dia.

Arini, kau maki aku sebab aku tak tolong kau buat kerja waktu hujung minggu lalu. Kau cakap aku sudah hilang minat. Minat? Hey babi, memang minat itu dah lama takde! Aku kerja untuk kau pun sebab aku perlukan duit. Sang kancil kat hutan sebelah pun cakap aku underpaid. Tapi aku bertahan, sebab ini bukan waktu sesuai untuk kehilangan rezeki. Kau kata aku hanya tau nak keluar ENJOY di hujung minggu. BABI CHEBI! Kau memang puki***! Kau sedar tak betapa sedihnya hati ni bila aku dengar kau cakap macam tu??!! Kau tau ke apa aku buat mase weekend baru ni??!! Aku cari rumah, aku bersihkan rumah, maki balik future jiran yang chebi, buat kira2 tengok banyak mana duit yang aku tinggal. Semua ni untuk FAMILI aku. Famili aku yang mahu bina kehidupan semula.

Hidup aku bukan macam hidup kau. Kau tu memang dah lahir dengan sudu perak yang tercucuk kat bontot chebi kau tu. Kau tak punya mak ayah seperti aku. Kau bukan anak sulung. Kau tak tau apa erti kasih sayang antara adik-beradik. Kau tak kenal erti hidup susah. Kau hanya pandai bercakap tapi bercakap pun tak pakai otak. Kau fikir semua orang berfikiran seperti kau. Yang hanya tau mengejar nama. Yang hanya mahu berpendidikan tinggi. Tapi semua itu tak semestinya penting bagi aku, kuda, monyet, pari-pari dan sang rama-rama.

Serius aku sangat marah dan sedih bila kau kata aku hanya tau nak enjoy. Dan balik dari kerja, aku reti tidor je. Memang SIAL lah pemikiran kau tu! Kau sembahyang lima kali sehari pun memang tak guna lah babi! Kau tu memang dah babi hutan pun! To say that you fear God, takyah la babi oi, kau tu memang dah banyak dosa kat dunia nih! Tak payah la tunjuk baik kau tu. Sangat chebi perlakuan itu.

I hope you rot in hell. Just like the satan...


* Kamu berjaya mempengaruhi aku untuk menggunakan perkataan babi.
* Chebi adalah perkataan yang tiada dalam kamus Dewan Bahasa dan Pustaka. Chebi adalah perkataan yang hanya wujud dalam Contact List talipon Sony E milik kamu. Dan chebi bermaksud CIBAI.

A New Hope

So, just a little update on what's been going on with my life.

Difficult? Yes, it is. For all the things that had been going on for the past few weeks, this phase has to be the most difficult phase of my life so far. I'm the eldest; do I have a choice? Yes, I was told. But no, I won't bail out of my siblings. And my mum. And despite every idiot one else who tries to put me down during this phase, I WON'T LET YOU PIN ME DOWN. Not now. Not EVER.

During the weekend, thanks to you, we found a new hope in the form of a house with two rooms and a bathroom. It may not be a luxurious one, and it may not be newly painted, but it is our hope. This should be the beginning of a better life. Especially for mum.

The weekend was really tiring. It was all about pressure. Right now, I'm just physically defeated and mentally exhausted. From work, to personal life. Yet, I could not ask for anything better when I saw my lil bro lying on the mattress of his so-called new room. He liked the room so much that he swept the room, and mopped the floor.

The feelings I'm having right now are beyond words. I don't even know how to express them. Especially in a blog. I don't think I could make a better semantic than the thoughts I have in my mind.

So what really happened that turned my life around? My mum is separating from my now, estranged dad. My sis won't even call him dad. How do I feel? I don't know. I've not spoken to him for months.

* I think I have a great brother studying in Sg Buloh right now. You're growing up, aren't you? Thanks bro.
* Thanks, kamu. You were a great help. From tolerating my mood swing, to cleaning the toilet bowl and the fan till squeaky clean, to answering my aunty... I'm sure you're very tired...

Fast and Furious 4

This is gonna be a short review.

In this installment, you get to watch the four 'friends' from the first F&F. But, in the first 15mins, one of them got murdered, Letty. Yup, that sexy chick played by Michelle Rodriguez. No worries, there are many more sexy chicks to watch out for!

So when Dom finds out about Letty's death, he begin to seek revenge. Brian, who is currently with the FBI, is out to catch the man responsible, and so was Dom. Although trust is still an issue between them, they team-up to confront the shared enemy.

A lot of actions, a lot of dangerous stunts, and a lot of girls. *Ok, girls don't bother me, alright!* Something that really got my attention is the originality of their stunts. The stunts maybe imaginative, but the detail of it were just so real! This is definitely a must-watch movie for guys who loves cars and girls who wants to fit in with their boyfriend's interest. Lol.

Judging from one of the earlier scene, this installment must be a sequel to Too Fast Too Furious, but a prequel to Tokyo Drift. And I think the poster has exaggerated the involvement of two of its characters. One died in the first 15mins. And the other chick doesn't do much talking/action either.

Anyway, it is a great movie. Worth the wait of 2 hours doing nothing but sipping coffee to stay awake till movie time. Don't ask why it happened. Haha!

But, it is especially great when you watch it with the people you love, my brother. Lalala~

4.2 out of 5, ok?


* Still mourning over the result of this week's American Idol. This is the end of the road for Scott... Sigh~
* The reason it never changed is because he never log off. Keep that in mind, Jen. No matter how much it hurts.

C2, PE dan F1

C2: Covered Hillstand di mana kami berdiri/duduk menyaksikan perlumbaan dalam hujan.

PE: Parking yang macam haram kawasannya.
F1: Perihal yang diikuti untuk dua hari berturut-turut hujung minggu baru ini.

Jadi kami telah menyaksikan F1 di litar Sepang Sabtu dan Ahad baru ini. Seronok, memang seronok. Mana tidaknya, aku dah lama tak mengikuti perkembangan dunia F1. Malah, baru tempoh hari aku bertanyakan pada dia, "Time aku start follow F1 adalah ketika zaman kegemilangan Michael Schumacher. Masa tu Jenson Button baru nak naik. Apa dah jadi ngan Jenson Button tu ek."

Ya, begitu teruk pengetahuan ku tentang dunia F1 sehinggakan aku tidak mengesyaki bahawa Jenson Button itu sebenarnya seorang pelumba yang sangat, SANGAT berjaya sekarang ni! Aihh. *ketuk2 kepala di meja berlapikkan tuala*

Pabila perlumbaan saringan bermula pada hari Sabtu, aku dan dia jadi bingung. Dua2 dah lupa kereta mana milik siapa. Tapi, siapa yang tak tahu kereta merah milik Ferrari, bukan? Ahaa.

Oh ya, dari pandangan pertama lagi aku tak puas hati dengan skrin kat litar tu. KECIK GILER! Skrin kat gig lagi besar beb! Punya lah banyak duit yang korang dah kaut, bagi skrin besar sikit takleh ke?? Huh.

Payung yang aku bawa pada hari Sabtu tidak digunakan. Namun, payung itu amat berjasa pada hari Ahad. Hujan mula turun ketika perlumbaan menjadi semakin sengit. Button yang tertinggal sedikit di awal perlumbaan, bangkit semula selepas pit stop. Sekali bangkit, si Nick, pemandu BMW Sauber terus kene tinggal. McLaren dan Ferrari, takyah cite ahh. Haha~

Tapi, perlumbaan semalam tak complete. Kerana hujan lebat yang disertai guruh dan kilat, perlumbaan terpaksa dihentikan ketika ia baru nak masuk lap ke -33. Ingatkan mereka akan teruskan perlumbaan pabila hujan berhenti, aihh, hampa. Sangat hampa. Tapi takpe, laporan hari ini menunjukkan bahawa kebanyakan pelumba berpuas hati perlumbaan itu tidak diteruskan sebab dah ada beberapa bijik kereta yang hampir tergelincir ketika hujan itu.

Ok lah, pasal perlumbaan tak complete itu dimaafkan *walaupun MASIH tak puas!*. Tapi, parking di litar Sepang yang macam haram itu memang takleh blah! Seperti tidak boleh dipercayai bila melihat kawasan parking yang bukan sahaja tidak diturap, malah berliku-liku! Lepas hujan tu plak, jadi makin lecak! Dush, dush! *sound efek belasah kepala sendiri*


Apa pun, tahniah kepada pelumba-pelumba yang berlumba dengan penuh semangat semalam. Tahniah Button sebab dalam masa dua minggu je dah jadi johan dua kali! Huhu. Tahniah juga kepada pelumba-pelumba yang berlumba di luar litar untuk pulang ke rumah secepat mungkin setelah tamat race semalam! Haha.

* Tak suke tengok ramai sangat poser yang bawak kamera Nikon ke hulu, ke hilir.
* Takde gambar untuk diupload. Korang tunggu je lah poser-poser tu upload kat Flickr oke. Haha!

Tag Suka Suki

Kene tag dengan NoQ.

1. Do you think you're hot?
No. I keep it low and humble. *pengsan*

2. Upload a favourite picture of you.

*maaf Pini, foto tidak diedit*

3. Give 3 reasons why you like this picture?

• I was in a good mood, for sure, because I didn't know that I was also part of the surprise.Demyu Pek! Haha.
• I wanted to blow the candles without the other birthday girls. *Tapi aku simpan niat tu sebab aku tau Pini lagi kempunan*
• I love my hair here!!! Uwaaaaaa~ Give it back! Give it back!

4. When was the last time you ate pizza?
Two days ago, with my mum and siblings.

5. The last song you listened to?
Miley Cyrus - The Climb. I needed the song, badly.

6. What are you doing now, besides this?
Scratching my hand. The rashes still itches.

7. What names you prefer besides yours?
Atreyu Strange.

8. People to tag:

• Raj
• Sharm
• Kishen
• Mum
• Aimar

*Warning: All the above do not own a blogspace except no 5! Haha!*

9. Who is number 1?
The brother.

10. Number 3 is having a relationship with?
Dem la. He's only 10 for goodness sake!

11. Say something about number 5?
Stella's boyfriend.

12. Who is number 2?
The sister.

13. What do you think about number 4?
She raised me.


Oke, siap. Ade sape2 mau tag gue lagi? Heh.