Being a Good Listener

Listen up girls!

This is a gentle reminder to girls (who are rational and mature) to STOP whining and go gossip with the others! Ahaa~

One week ago, an old friend (who only calls when she is in a mess) called me. Apparently, she just broke up with her boyfriend. She was crying and WHINING over the phone (I wonder why I never called any of my friend then). She was complaining that her now ex-boyfriend had been avoiding her for the past few days and she couldn't understand it. She even saw him at an event and he was talking and chatting happily with a group of friends as though NOTHING happened while she ran back to the toilet to control her tears.

Half way through the conversation, I stopped her and asked,

"A***, who asked for the break-up?"

"I did."

"So, why are you whining as though he is at fault for avoiding you?"

(silence)

"You're good at many things, A***. You play notes by ear, you studied medicine, and yet, simple things like this, you, ergh. You asked for it. Many girls makes this mistake. I've been there too. But you have to remind yourself that you made the decision, not him. When he attempted to get back, kau jual mahal pulak. A***, you know me, and you know I cannot tolerate this. You're very lucky that he attempted to get back with you. Sape suruh kau jual mahal. I never got that, A***. I never..."

*Indirectly, I was saying, PADAN MUKA KAU!*

(silence, well, more like sobbing at the other end)

"I don't know how you're going to digest whatever I said. Or maybe you don't want to. I'm being frank, I hope you understand. I would like to listen to your problems. I want to be a good listener. But what is a good listener if I only encourage you to hate yourself or hate him more."

There was silence between us for almost a minute. I don't know how she would react to my advise. At that point, I thought that I've said too much. In my previous relationship, I was the one who asked for the break-up. My now ex-boyfriend agreed to break-up and surprisingly went TOTALLY silent for the next few months. When I asked for the break-up, I thought I was being rational and all. But after the break-up, I sort of regretted it and started calling and texting him. Unfortunately, he was VERY firm (or so, I thought) with his decision to move on. When I realize that I will not be accepted by him ANYMORE, I moved away from every memory I have of him.

No matter how much I begged, I never blamed him for not accepting me back into his life. No matter how bad I felt, I never stopped him from moving on. Because I knew that I deserved it in every way. I ASKED FOR IT. So, why would I want to stop him from moving on, catching up with life, or better, turning onto a new leaf.

Finally I told her that I was gonna hang up and maybe she should call me when she is sober. She agreed and ended the conversation with a simple thanks.

Two days ago, she rang me. And yes, she was sober. She begin to admit her mistakes and she begin to understand how a guy would feel after a break-up when she consulted a guy friend. Before, she was holding on to so much grudge over her boyfriend, now, she is prepared to face the decision SHE MADE.

I've learnt that being simply a good listener isn't always the best option (errr... is it an option???). If you're only listening but you fail to identify the right reactions to the crisis at hand, you're actually making things worst. You might lead her to think that whatever she thinks is correct.

Being a good listener comes with great responsibility. Kawan semasa suka duka doesn't mean that you should agree to all the reactions your friend gives during a crisis. You're suppose to lead, give good examples and criticize. So that she won't end up thinking that she is the only person going through hell while the rest of the world enjoys dancing in the rain. If she is really a friend, she will understand what you want her to understand. If she cannot take criticism, something wrong somewhere la!